Situation: Candlelight

I can't believe how articulate I used to be.

I feel a poetic spirit recently, but then I start to think I've lost the vocabulary to express.

Is it okay to wonder if the human experience can't ever be put into words? Is it okay to stop writing for fear no soul would resonate?

Is it okay to be lazy?

Do I enjoy my life more when I create constantly, or when I step back to observe?




we'llneverknownosorrywewon't

The last few days or maybe weeks, I've felt like to some small degree I've been living on another plane of existence. "More in tune" some (or I) might call it. It feels.. amazing. It's the feeling of everything tragic or too-serious in life being like rain or water from a falls that just smooths over your naked back and neck when you have your head bowed down. I feel like I am far more easily able to center/zero/balance myself, and come to a room of peace in my mind and heart. It feels very Eastern for some reason, and yet very Christian as well. I feel open, quiet, and observing. There are things that interrupt this occasionally throughout the day of course (roommate annoyances? bathroom breaks?--no wait, sometimes those are quite profound), but I seem to be better equipped than ever before to calm myself in moments of fear or great stress. My friends, my band, my financial situation--even other people's stress--all seem to weigh so hard sometimes, but whereas a month ago I would deal with that weight for hours or even days, now I find myself centering my soul, and often praying or meditating, and being able to let go of negativity within minutes (for the most part). I am remembering in surprising moments to always be pursuing the passion that my inner voice points to. Most of the time this means reveling or being productive in something creative (often music, obviously), but sometimes it has even been just simply eating or exercising. So much is a joy. In contrast, I almost can't fathom the state of my soul this time last year.

I've been reading Proverbs every night (and heeding maybe a tenth of it the next morning). I read some articles today on hermeneutics. I also meditated for almost 20 minutes, coming to some profound sense of inner voice and peace, several times. More than anything, I've been feeling surprisingly--considering the winter weather--grateful. Grateful for everything. Today while meditating, I heard a still, small voice beckoning me to step toward a window in our apartment (in my mind), look at the snow, and for once not be disturbed or discouraged. It seemed to say, "Be at peace with everything, including the snow. Wait and patiently observe what it may be able to teach you." And that notion has stuck with me a lot the past few hours. Observe what it may be able to teach you. Seems like a good attitude about just about anything in the universe, at least if you can keep it towards the front of your mind. So I remain a tad more quiet. I listen. I observe and absorb. Even with people.. though surely I'm Type A enough for this not to last too much longer. :)

I'm starting to feel as though everyday presents a new challenge--and somehow at each new nervous summit I realize I have been provided (or have grown) just enough to succeed or perservere. There is a degree to which this has been the case my entire life, but I honestly can't remember the last time it was so apparent or consistent. I can truly say (and let me document this for myself): I am very much at peace. I am simply a part, a tiny percentage, and I hold nothing. Nothing can be held by my hands that can't be taken away. And that is not only okay, it is rightfully and gorgeously the way things work. I guess the main thing that I've realized is that I am taking things as they come with an incredible amount of grace and peace, more than I think I've ever felt before. I feel like I could even face death.

It's crazy how we grow. And crazy that just when we think we have a handle on something, it gets turned upside down and we are mentally children again. Seems sad at first, but I think really it's astoundingly beautiful. Children are humble, and they often aspire to make reality from dreams. Two irreplaceable traits, I would say.

Despite how I may complain to my friends and family sometimes, the truth (maybe with a capital "T") that I always seem to come back to is that I am incredibly blessed. I am so blessed beyond deserving, that sometimes a feeling of guilt and joy and rapture and sorrow wells up in me and then bursts through in three or four tears while I'm driving my car next to the Chicago skyline. I want to say it is mainly the people that I think about here--everyone who has been everything to me. But I also have never gone long without food and shelter and clothing (and those are important too, right?). I only feel sad that I will probably never be able to repay God / the universe for all the good in my life. It would be great if I could make it habit to try, at least.

Praise be to God. And to all my dear loved ones: you have no idea the tears of gratefulness I have cried (in praise and submission to my merciful God) for you over the years.

-michael james brooks

PS - If it is the drink that kills me, it was going to be all along and I shan't regret (right?). I promise whenever it is that I approach my precious Maker, I will bow. Please Lord let not all this be the mark of a fool.

Jeezububblicious. My writings here have seemed to come to some sort of hault. Well, at least compared to how much I seem to love talking/writing. I don't know. I don't know where I am in life, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I don't know much of anything. But maybe that's how I like it. I love Chicago, I love music, I love this band (generally), I love living. I love my friends, I (usually) love my family, I love the sun, I love being able to wear only one layer of clothing. Anything else is just speculation on my part. Even in matters of opinion.

So... I have decided:
This blog will now be used to leak government secrets.

You think I'm kidding.

So, this entry is just to prove somewhere down the line that the boys of Common Shiner proudly knew of Frightened Rabbit before any of you bitches did. :) Because they are going to be pretty big. Months ago hardly anyone in the US knew of them (they're Scottish), and today they're on the homepage of myspace. Morgan, Jake and I saw them live a month ago, and bought their most recent CD, and have not been the same since. And now, years after their formation, they're finally going to be known in the US.

Don't stop to think on your way to the iTunes search. Just go there, and just buy it. I made Stephanie Sandberg buy it in front of me yesterday.

Artist: Frightened Rabbit
Album: "Midnight Organ Fight"
Your mission: Buy it now. RIGHT NOW.

No! I don't want to forget about this journal! No!!! It says "feed me with your words, wit, and wisdom!"

But I don't have any!

Man. People underestimate how much of this business is A) being an attractive, young (single, preferrably white) female, and/or B) schmoozing with rich white men. It's sickening. I've bought shots for rich white men. I'm tired of it. I DON'T HAVE MONEY LEFT. I DON'T HAVE INTEGRITY LEFT. I DON'T HAVE ______ LEFT.

Vij, I hope you're schmoozing well in Austin.

I'm burnt out.

I'm making a personal file of all the compliments I've received in the past few weeks. There have been some major ones. Some life-saving-on-a-bad-day ones. We'll see if they save my life on bad days.

For every person who tells me I should stay with this band and that I fit best with these people and they have so much to offer, there's someone who says I should be doing this on my own. At least on the side. I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhf3o8283r8hjdnvnmcnmnvmcnsot4hjfoije

I've had two great weekends in a row in Michigan. One more coming this weekend. In the meantime, enjoying the sun back in Chicago.

More detail later? Maybe?

I don't know how/why some things can break my heart so easily and others not. I saw another round of Too Much Light this weekend with the Wild Geese in from Columbus.. and there was a (short, obvioulsy) play about one of the troupe members who isn't afraid of war at all and rarely feels compassion for those who die in wars (including even so ludicrous a war as that in Iraq right now), but who heard a story of a girl whose bowels were sucked out by a pool drain in a fatal accident, and suddenly the actor could hardly convince herself to keep breathing. She was asking, why do some things affect us so much more than other things of equal (or even more) weight/value/destruction. Anyway, the question was posed and suddenly for the first time in my life I was critically/consciously aware of the ways I go about empathy or heartbreak.

Fast forward to the new Death Cab album coming out today (and Vij and I, having downloaded a leak days ago, have listened to it enough to say: you need to have it, go f*cking get it.)

Morgan did the ethical (and somewhat more privileged) thing and actually waited for the CD to come out to phyiscally purchase it from a store. Anyway, after listening through it once today, he said "I think I really like it, but I'm not sure yet. It didn't have any songs that were like, immediately heartbreaking--which was one of my favorite things of any of their previous albums." Now, I had to think a second. After some careful thought, I realized he was referring mostly to songs that had some immediately-recognizable atmostpheric quality to them, (via production, mostly). And I agreed that the new album does those types of songs a bit differently, but it still does them. I said, for example, that the first time I heard "Ice Is Getting Thinner," it was hard to fight back tears. And he agreed that that song is heart-breaking, but somehow seemed to not quite agree with me still. He still wanted that atmospheric, hanging, reverby quality. Anyway, point being: second time in my life I was conscious of the ways I go about my heart breaking.

Then later today, the song "Cath..." hit me with heartbreak like it hadn't ever before. I think it's because the music is less tragic than you'd expect for such heartbreaking subject matter. But regardless, while really absorbing the lyrics, I had to be by myself so I could cry a bit.

Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with this really, just... Challenge yourself to notice the times you feel heartbreak. What true, deep, human sorrow is there? And what great joy as well probably, if for nothing else than feeling human. Yes?

Um.. Get the new Death Cab. Ben Gibbard spins real-to-life mental music videos better than almost anyone I know. What a f*cking poet. I envy.

DAMMIT it's hard to be in a band. It's like being married, but to more than one other person. And when you're all passive-agressive, defensive, and all have big-yet-fragile egos, it's terrifying. Add to that the rest of the world--their criticisms, their lack of loyalty, their lack of appreciation (of effort even), their smug "well you chose this" grins in the dark--and you're almost constantly on the absolute brink of disaster. You whore/hype yourself constantly, only to be reminded again and again, that if what you're doing is good, there's no need to whore/hype.

So I'm saying it because I need to say it, and because nobody reads this anymore anyway:
Common Shiner, despite my influence at points, is not me at my best potential right now. I would say often it's me doing my best with what I'm given, and sometimes with what I feel allowed to give. But I feel constrained. So I started developing songs and ideas for a side project in late winter, and today, after a breaking point, I took some steps to ensure it happens.

Now don't get me wrong--I'm not leaving the band, and I'm not blaming anyone for how I feel except myself. I love these guys, and Common Shiner is a place for me, I've just been questioning a bit too much for a bit too long if it is the place for me. Maybe I'll venture away only to be lead back with a deeper appreciation for what this band is. That would be fine. I just need a change right now. And I just don't feel completely honest as an artist where I am right now.

If the side project thing doesn't work out, I'll most likely try out theatre again for a bit (sound design or acting).

--

I'm more and more painfully aware recently of the people around me who sit in judgment. There are indeed people quite close to me who appear to believe ("appear" being significant here) that they are the reason God created anything. And I just can't quite take it anymore. There may or may not have been other friends who warned me hardcore (maybe exactly a year ago) about these types of people.. but I'll give anyone a year and a chance (right?). Anyway, it's getting incredibly difficult to be around people who claim to be open-minded individuals and then snicker or roll eyes any chance they get. And I'm trying to speak honestly, not bashingly here. It's truly, truly difficult. Sometimes I've wanted to scream. Blood-curdling scream.

Instead of saying "I hate that" or "That's stupid/silly" or "That's wrong," around a year ago I tried to start saying simply "That's not for me." Life seems so much better from the standpoint of us all having journeys to live. If something is not good for someone, and they need to learn it, it's best to let nature take it's course and teach them. I'm so much freer without judgment and fear and anger. Obviously if a friend was losing him or herself in a serious drug habit, I would speak up before they lost their life (well, I would hope). But generally, I need to let adults be adults. There are few choices that can't be undone; few sins that can't be forgiven. And lately I'm finding I need to carry over this "That's just not for me" attitude into art. There are things that some consider art that I would never consider art, but I need to just sit back and say, "Well that's just not for me." I think, honestly, I'll experience more and be richer for it.

We judge because we fear, and we fear what we don't understand. So, generally, we judge because we do not understand. Right? So maybe a path of careful empathy and understanding will lead to great strength and love. (Right?)

--

I feel I could trek for miles on dimes. Lord knows I don't have much money at all, but it's hard to care. Some think I should be ashamed to not have any savings at this point. I just say this is partially a) my choice and b) the way things have worked out for me. I think it's equally both. And I am so very quite content.

Recently I've had moments of creative/mental grandeur stemming from as little as a bottle of Tide holding open a window of a Lincoln Park apartment I passed on the train. Some nights I said "Huh, I have no plans tonight--I am going to do this" and "this" is what I held loosely, without expectation, and eventually did. I went to a bar where John Wayne Gacy Jr. used to drink; I figured this was appropriate if I am going to do a cover song about him every week at open mics. I second-acted a play; although Chicago's catching on to this idea--they ask for your ticket after intermission now as well. I walked the streets alone. I didn't wash my hands. I ate food I didn't trust. I talked to a stranger. I danced when I wasn't supposed to. I felt happy when I wasn't supposed to.

I spent so long convincing myself that I've been better versions of myself. That somehow I needed to revert back to other me's or at least recover parts of them. Maybe that kind of recovery is good once and a while. But the truth is, on days when I don't depend on chemicals or other people, on days when I don't care what people think, I am the best version of myself yet. I am. Praise God, thank heavens, I rejoice. There is so much life here. There is so much life in me. I dance when I'm not supposed to.

I love spring, I love Chicago, and I love the .4 people who still read this journal (and those who used to, too). :)

--

"I know a man who thinks he's God
And I hope to hell he's not
Because if he is, than hoping to hell
Will be all that I've got"

The way it goes is, I love you and I'm good at pretending I don't.

That goes for all of you.